Last Thursday was Valentines Day (yeah, I forgot, too – sue me). But it does make me hearken back to a more simpler time when relationships in wrestling were simple. Or at least simpler. Johnny Weaver died this month and was married for long while to Penny Banner (best wishes Penny, by the way). Although they divorced, there was no headline grabbing scandal when that happened. Ah, for a return of the good olâ<80><99> days.
Donâ<80><99>t get me wrong, there are approximately 80,000 other people in the wrestling business of a higher moral authority than your humble scribe to offer relationship advice. But I was dumbstruck by how Cupidâ<80><99>s arrow seems to have penetrated some of our favorites right in the pre-frontal lobe.
Take, for instance, the recent unpleasantness with Bobby Lashley. Released by the WWE, the former ECW World Heavyweight Champion laid the blame for his pavement-pounding career alteration on *ahem* â<80><9c>evil.â<80> â<80><9c>Evil has prevailed however like I said before if you continue your struggle doors will open around these people,â<80> he wrote. Iâ<80><99>m not quite sure what point he was trying to make, but I assume, based on media reports, that it had something to do with the treatment the WWE gave his significant other Kristal Marshall. Seems that Marshall, who considered Lita â<80><9c>the greatest female wrestler of all time,â<80> was unhappy with the direction of her storyline. This apparently involved an arc with Edge (who, along with â<80><9c>the greatest female wrestler of all time,â<80> was involved the most nauseating spectacle of the last couple of years, the â<80><9c>live sex on Rawâ<80> shenanigans). It caused her to quit the promotion. So profound was the effect of his girlfriendâ<80><99>s quitting her job on Lashley, he asked out of his contract. Another misfire of cupidâ<80><99>s arrow.
I took the liberty of rewriting Lashleyâ<80><99>s announcement: â<80><9c>Hi. Bobby Lashley here. Former ECW World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley. I have requested and been granted my well-wished golden ticket to future endeavors from the WWE. How could I stay in a company that was so clueless they pushed a gassed up, helium-voiced, billboard like me all the way to the top? I ask you, does this company know whether to fart or go bowling? I have decided to ply my trade in a career that treats its employees with respect and knows how to market its strengths. I havenâ<80><99>t decided between MMA and Wal-Mart. Iâ<80><99>ll let ya know.â<80>
Secondly, this week the sordid saga of Chris and Nancy Benoit apparently reached the end of its denouement. Nancyâ<80><99>s family came up legally short in their effort to prevent an emotionally juvenile menâ<80><99>s magazine from publishing decades old nude photos of Chrisâ<80><99> murder victim. Then, the local constabulary closed their investigation into the double murder and noted that â<80><9c>marital troublesâ<80> may have been at the heart of their domestic turmoil. Apparently, Nancy believed Chris was having future endeavors with what was described as a â<80><9c>scantily clad WWE diva.â<80> Referring to that bunch â<80><9c>scantily cladâ<80> is like calling rain â<80><9c>slightly wet.â<80>
Lastly, and certainly leastly, Hulk Hogan. This week, tabloids reports would have you believe that the divorce of Americaâ<80><99>s family was founded on Lindaâ<80><99>s liquor tooth. Letâ<80><99>s be honest, who wouldnâ<80><99>t be driven to an Otis Campbell-like blood alcohol content by the daily grind of being married to an untanned leather skinned, past his prime egomaniac and parenting two twats that couldnâ<80><99>t normal their way out of a wet paper bag? I need a drink just thinking about it.
Marshall gave up her career for her self-respect. Lashley gave up his career for Marshall. Chris killed Nancy because she would not approve of his diva canoodling. Then killed himself. Linda is divorcing Hulk because he was trying to funnel money to Eric Bishoff. Hulk is divorcing Linda because she soaked up Johnny Walker Red like a sponge in a hot tub.
Happy Wrestling Valentines Day.
