WWE Survivor Series Preview

Champion vs. Champion

Brock Lesnar vs. Daniel Bryan

The Daniel Bryan heel turn was a real Debbie Downer for me. Just replace Shane McMahon with Rachel Dratch (our true “Best In The World”) and you have the booking of this relatively accurate in through my rose colored, Coke bottle spectacles. Even if Daniel Bryan was the one who pitched the move, I still don’t dig. Can he make a fantastic heel? Absolutely, but the banana stand has a lot more money in a babyface Bryan than it does in bad boy Bryan (take a moment to picture him in shades and leather bomber jacket – now that actually may sell me). And Yes, (Yes! Yes!) we’re getting the dream match everybody wanted, but what lick of sense does it make to have a heel Bryan go up against a heel Lesnar. No licks, I tell ya. Fans want to cheer for Bryan and still will in this match, but like the heel turn let me down on SmackDown, the result of this match will do the same for everyone with Lesnar beating our boy clean and decisive, further vaulting us down the road for some American Dragon evil. What I don’t hope happens is AJ low-blowing Bryan for a receipt and a Lesnar win. If you’re gonna make Daniel a heel, go full heel and let’s not muddy the damn waters more. Dang it, I’m bummed. One grasp at hope is if Paul Heyman sides with Daniel Bryan and we got ourselves a new power couple. I’ll hope for that, but predict The Beast bigfooting.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

Champion vs. (Substitute) Champion

Ronda Rousey vs. Charlotte Flair

So excited for this one. Sure, Charlotte’s heat isn’t currently as hot as it usually is, but you can’t convince me that this won’t be one amazing bout. What is even better is that this is just a build to the bigger match in Becky versus Ronda at WrestleMania 35. Let’s embrace all the goodness around this because everything about this match is good. Becky can’t fight, but Becky’s badass, Lasskicking blood is all over this one and we’ll see two stars STILL waging war with one another in what should (and will be) the show stealer. Say what you will about Ronda vile hatred for avocado toast and her fellow millennials (I too am a self-hating millennial, to hell with your Apple Pay!), but the woman speaks with conviction and that builds her as a personality and compelling character. When you rid the wrestling world of heavy scripts, that’s when the magic happens and Ronda’s bringing the magic John C. Reilly in Talladega Nights style. She wins clean after a stellar showdown.

Winner: Ronda Rousey

Champion vs. Champion

Seth Rollins vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Whoa, where’s Dean? You know exactly where he is, burning WWE Shop items in trash cans likely without any antiperspirant on and sitting on a sports car that isn’t his. That’s really the dream of a WWE Superstar isn’t it? Just hanging backstage with the shirtless and directionless Primo and Epic, reppin’ no deodorant, burning shit? Don’t ask Renee Young about Dean’s attitude or motives, because she won’t have a damn clue. I mean, that’s the kind of marriage I want. Despondency with the windows closed and the communication at a minimum. Shinsuke is getting those same vibes from Seth Rollins who absolutely has no time for that earbud wearing weirdo. He wants Dean and will get him in this match, causing him to lose to Nakamura who’s kind of acting like Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison and I kind of like it. The guy deserves a big win here.

Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura

Champions vs. Champions

The Bar vs. AOP

Well The Bar has the Big Show as their buddy and AOP has Drake Maverick. That might be a deal breaker in most cases in wrestling and wingman formats, but the rest of RAW’s tag division can’t defeat one man combined (“Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!”) so Akam and Rezar will have to pick up the slack and beat the Irishman and his Swiss Superfriend. Still waiting on that Cesaro championship singles run, though (Keep waiting, Dom. Keep waiting.)

Winners: AOP

Cruiserweight Championship Match

Buddy Murphy (c) vs. Mustafa Ali

Only title on the line and it will change hands. Mustafa Ali has a lot of upside and will continue to make a case for himself (and the 205 Live brand) as a reason to watch. Mix Ali up with Mike Kanellis

Winner and NEW WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Mustafa Ali

Alright, that’s it folks. If you’ve taken anything away from this, I hope it’s my extreme distaste for U2.