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Finally, after all the controversy and speculation, WWE Crown Jewel is upon us. Looks like we all made it, gang!
Well, not everyone… but Hulk Hogan will be there to unite everybody else!
I’ve been having one heck of time calling WWE Crown Jewel “The Crown Compromise” because of its catchy alliteration abilities and appropriateness for the occasion, but the more I brew on it, the more Crown Jewel does fit the bill. This “global PPV event” is a great deal of what we criticized the WWE for over the years – even way before I popped out of the womb: dis-ingenuity, stubbornness, racial insensitivity, greed, pride, a lack of self-awareness and just an all around vibe of not giving a crap about what other people think. You let all that magma rise and cool, you got yourself one tone-deaf gem with the perfect tint of sage. So perfect that a Saudi Prince and his cohorts can admire its beauty while their backs are turned as they sit on lavish couches ringside.
But what could those distinguished luminaries potentially miss out on as they gaze at their phones like a bunch of preteens? Well let us at least take a look shall we?
The Crown Jewel World Cup Tournament
Ah, yes. A “World Cup” to determine “The Best In The World.” No, not CM Punk or Chris Jericho for that matter, but a meaningless tournament that consists of only American citizens. Guys like Rusev, Drew McIntyre and Finn Balor tried, but the less global diversity, the better. There is one stipulation, however: if a Smackdown team member gets eliminated in the finals, he or she (ha sorry, not she) gets fired. Seems very Mayan-like in execution, but considering the hostility of the people in power it makes sense. We’ll see Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle take on “The Showstopper” Dolph Ziggler, Jeff Hardy square off against The Miz, Seth Rollins face Bobby “Used To Be Cena” Lashley and Randy Orton take on Rey Mysterio. Many people are murmuring of the possibility that Bobby Lashley wins the whole sha-bang so we’ll see Hogan come out and raise his arm in the ultimate form of heavy-handedness, but even I think that WWE would think that that’s a little much. My prediction is the following:
Rollins defeats Bob. Angle defeats Dolph. Hardy defeats Miz. Rey defeats Orton. Rollins defeats Angle. Hardy defeats Rey.
Seth Rollins defeats Hardy to win The World Cup.
WWE Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs. Samoa Joe
This was supposed to be Daniel Bryan, but he had to go and follow that tricky moral compass of his and ruin it for all those Saudi Scrooge McDucks. So Samoa Joe steps in the Kokina Clutch position to try and unsheath AJ. And under most non-improvisational circumstances, I’d usually back Joe to finally take the belt off Styles as there is plenty of non-Saudi money in the banana stand of this feud to go around if Joe captures the title, but this was unexpected, and I don’t expect Vince to have a title change hands on a show slopping in so much controversy.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion: AJ Styles
